


Eye of the Storm

by catlikeacat



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: F/F, Missing Scene, Set between the first fight with Abby and the Farm Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:21:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26202595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catlikeacat/pseuds/catlikeacat
Summary: Ellie hasn’t moved yet, sprawled out in a pool of her own blood wishing the world wasn’t here anymore.She knows she needs to get up but the pounding in her heart is drowning out the pounding in her head. Each pulse feeling like another nail being hammered into her bloodied body. Pinning her down to the splintered wooden ground.Fear paralyzing her. Getting up meant this was real, that it wasn’t a nightmare. Knowing if Dina was alive or dead.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 102





	1. Four out of Five

**Author's Note:**

> First ever Last of Us fic! I've been out of the fanfic game pretty hard this year and figured this fic would be a good segue back in. Got a story through-line but is mostly calmer, more domestic scenes.
> 
> I also draw and have a bunch of links to all my different social medias on [my Twitter](https://twitter.com/catlikeacat).

Ellie hasn’t moved yet, sprawled out in a pool of her own blood wishing the world wasn’t here anymore.

She knows she needs to get up but the pounding in her heart is drowning out the pounding in her head. Each pulse feeling like another nail being hammered into her bloodied body. Pinning her down to the splintered wooden ground.

Fear paralyzing her. Getting up meant this was real, that it wasn’t a nightmare. Knowing if Dina was alive or dead.

But she couldn’t lay there forever, playing this sick game of Schrödinger’s Girlfriend.

Rolling over cascades blood from her nose, splattering on the ground like raindrops. But she can’t worry about that. The effort it would take to get to her feet eludes her, crawling towards Dina with a single minded determination.

Her name is loud in the empty room, even whispered, “Dina?”

No reaction. Arrow jutting from her shoulder like an accusation.

Ellie’s eyes burn with unrealized tears as she reaches over to Dina’s neck. Feeling for a heartbeat.

Her own stopping as she finds it. Slow and reliable.

Calming down enough to notice Dina’s labored breathing moving her body up and down in perfect time.

Alive. Dina is alive.

\- - -

It’s too long until Ellie feels the other woman come to life against her thigh.

She tries not to think about how long Dina was out cold. That didn’t matter now, she was patched up and her head was rolling around on Ellie’s leg as she took in unfamiliar surroundings. Dark eyes glinting in what little light the room had.

Never in Ellie’s life had she wanted to be a doctor but she’d gotten plenty of practice today anyways. Between patching up Dina’s wounds, dealing her own, helping Tommy with…

God, she didn’t want to think about what Maria was going to do about Tommy.

But Maria didn’t matter right now, Dina was trying to anchor herself to this sudden new world.

“Ellie…” she groaned, mouth dry, “What… what happened?”

That was a loaded question whose answer was so tangled Ellie didn’t know where to start.

“How much do you remember?” Ellie answered with another question, “How much… how much did you even see?”

“I heard some… kind of commotion,” Dina groaned as she tried to push herself up, “Gunshots. Yelling. Heard the fight break out between you and Abby… I tried to get the jump on her but the girl’s a tank… then she…”

With one last push and a little help from Ellie, Dina managed to sit. Gingerly touching where Abby had smashed her head into the ground.

“That’s it, that’s all I remember,” Dina touched the injury on her shoulder, “Oh, and someone shot me with an arrow. How the hell did I forget that?”

“It was some kid,” Ellie replied, “I didn’t recognize him but he looked pretty young. Shaved head. Weird clothes.”

“You don’t think… he’s Abby kid or anything?”

“No,” Ellie shook her head, “Too old. But…”

Kid. Child. Toddler. Baby. Fetus.

Ellie’s mind rapidly deaged the figure in her mind as she looked down towards Dina’s stomach. Feeling sick as she asked the question she wasn’t sure if she wanted the answer to, “Do you… are you still…”

“I don’t know,” Dina reached for Ellie’s hand, “It’s… I don’t know. We need to get back to Jackson as fast as we can, the doctors there will be able to help... Where’s Jesse? I’m not sure how far I can walk like this, you two might have to both be part time knights in shining armor. Promise me you won’t get too jealous when it’s his turn to carry me.”

Dina’s smile is coy yet unknowing, the woman trying to lighten the mood when she doesn’t know how somber it truly is.

It seeped away as Ellie just stared at her, eyes dull and unfocused as she tried to gather words.

“Dina…”

The bad news was cut short by the door swinging open.

Tommy looked bad, real fucking bad. Ellie’d tried to convince him to just sit down and they’d worry about Jesse’s body later but he was like a man possessed. She didn’t have any idea where he’d gotten a shovel or how he’d managed to dig a grave so quickly in his condition but given he was just as covered in dirt as he was blood…

He hadn’t noticed Dina yet, setting down the shovel with a heavy clank as he walked in brushing his clothes off, “Had a hell of a time finding a patch of earth the right size but it ended up being a mighty nice place to rest all things considered.”

Tommy froze as he finally looked up, realizing that their remaining third was awake and staring at him.

“Ah, shit,” Tommy swore, watching realization dawn on Dina’s face.

“Jesse is…” she turned to Ellie, clasping a hand tightly and looking at her with a scrambling desperation.

Ellie swallowed hard, like taking a shot of wet concrete. Barely able to get the words out of her too-tight throat, “Jesse’s dead. We heard Tommy get attacked and we… we ran out to see what was going on but the second we got out to the lobby…”

Throat closing completely, Ellie couldn’t finish her sentence. Not with tears already streaming down Dina’s cheeks, grasping her hand back vise grip tight with both her own.

Tommy finished it for her, “Abby shot him, same as me. I was lucky it grazed me but Jesse… he wasn’t as lucky.”

“Jesse’s dead,” Dina gasps out, “He’s dead and you…”

“Gave him a nice resting place,” Tommy replied, gruff voice as soft as he could make it.

Tears cascading down her face, Dina collapsed in on herself. Emotional disembowelment tearing her open as she collapses into Ellie’s arms. Hugging her stomach tightly into herself like everything would fall out if she didn’t.

\- - -

Three people lying in a row. Tommy, Ellie, Dina. Jackson’s hospital pretty empty tonight, except for them and the twenty-four hour nurses bustling around. Whispering among themselves. Ready to run and get the doctors should any of their three patients show any sign of distress.

Four patients.

Even thinking that nearly made Ellie cry.

Tears of relief, that is. The doctors confirmed that the baby was miraculously alive and well, both them and Dina stable despite what had happened and the long trip home.

All of them were pretty rough for the wear but all stable. Even Tommy with his lost eye. Him and Dina were sound asleep on either side of Ellie. She found herself looking back and forth, taking turns watching each of their chests rise and fall. Feeling like if she stopped her diligent patrol, they'd both stop. Go still and unmoving, unbreathing like J-

She was never going to sleep again.

Every moment with Abby had been seared into her brain.

Every step of every confrontation played out in slow motion, in fast forward, almost simultaneously. On repeat, over and over. Distorted and clear. Red and black. Bodies lying there in a pile on the flimsy stage, Joel’s on top with his now-empty eyes staring at her upside down. Gaping pit at the side of his head dripping blood into a too-big pool that threatened to swallow up Dina, Jesse, and Tommy’s bodies below him like a portal to hell.

This time Ellie wasn’t able to stop the tears.

Her soft sobbing felt thunderous in the silence, Ellie wishing they’d left the radio softly playing to drown out her thoughts or at least her pain.

“Ellie,” the voice was sudden, weak, “You gonna cry alone like a stood-up prom queen all night or are you gonna get over here?”

Rolling her head to the side Ellie saw she wasn’t alone in the waking world anymore. Dina’s smile was weak, her arm rolled out to the side with the palm up. Her hand making an insistent little grabby motion.

“Dina… did I wake you up?”

“Bold of you to think I was ever asleep.”

Ellie laughed, wincing at the pain that brought, “How… how are you cracking jokes right now?”

“Gotta deal with this somehow,” Dina replied, “Now get over here. Doctor said I’m not supposed to move.”

Sliding out of bed is agony, Ellie flinching at the pressure on the dozens of little cuts across her body but Dina was insistent. The sound of one hand clapping as she continues with the grabbing motion. Fast and sharp.

“You’re insistent,” Ellie was so careful, for Dina’s sake and her own, as she crawled next to her.

“It’s a part of my charm,” Dina grabbed Ellie’s arm and put it around her, beginning the entangling, “And we need this, both of us.”

Dina was right, Ellie needed an anchor in this sea. One that was pretty and nice and cared for her. Someone who would ride and die with her until the end of the road. Now that thought scared Ellie, though. It made her think of Jesse, his devotion to their friendship had only led to…

Burying her face into the pillow by Dina’s shoulder, Ellie shifted closer. Pulling Dina against her side, wrapping cut up legs around hers. Like her thin body could be some kind of armor against the world. Her hand balled tightly into the sheets next to Dina, knuckles white enough to match.

But Dina was the calm in the storm, one hand slowly rubbing against Ellie’s side. Feeling the new cuts and the old scars alike. Accepting them all with love.

Ellie’s sobs shook Dina, each like a little earthquake.

But Dina stayed strong.

Clinging to her in the harsh storm.


	2. A New Crop

Ellie couldn’t begin to tell you the specifics of what happened in the vague blur between their first night back in Jackson and right now. Standing outside of a hospital room, hearing Dina talking to the doctor just beyond the door. The only thing punctuating the deathly silence.

Of course, Ellie had offered to be there for her in the delivery room but Dina had politely admitted that the less people in there the better. That it was nothing personal.

Deep down, Ellie wondered if it was because of her though.

It would be a lie to say that she’d been completely calm and stable in the time since the fight with Abby. That was probably why she wasn’t in there, at Dina’s side. It stung but Ellie felt like she couldn’t blame her, her girlfriend having seen every little twitch, every freakout, every…

One night emblematic of all her problems.

It had started off nice. The weather was temperate and they’d been enjoying open windows and a cool breeze. Dina chopping up some fresh vegetables for a stew, Ellie waiting in the other room. Just visible and strumming along on her guitar. Off tune as she sung an improvised song, narrating Dina’s every move while she just laughed at her to stop.

Dina only got halfway through a joke about chucking the knife at Ellie before getting cut off. Literally.

It had taken far too long for Dina to calm her back down. It was nothing more than a small nick on her finger but to Ellie in the moment it had seemed like the end of the world. The speck of blood feeling like a torrent, cascading over her until she was drowning in it. Down into the deepest depths of a red ocean. No way to the surface.

Waking up, laid out on her back on the couch, Ellie wasn’t entirely sure how she’d gotten there but Dina’s eyes were sad when she handed her the bowl of piping hot soup.

Eye clamped tightly shut, Ellie tried to block that out.

Today was a good day, today was a door to a whole new world for her. A new start.

They had elected to not know the gender of the child, citing it as unimportant. People kept asking Ellie which she hoped it would be but it seemed like such a weird thing to want. Boy or girl, Ellie was going to love and raise them the exact same way.

That made her smile. Picturing campsites and warm fires with s’mores. Teaching them to play guitar. Finding them their own, helping them customize it. Watching them chasing the other kids in the park. They’d be the fastest, of course.

The three of them could get that farm.

Slowly, Ellie smiled.

It didn’t last for long though, shattering on the ground at the sound of a short, sharp yell of pain from inside.

Nails scraping against the wall, Ellie felt the world pull away.

Pushed tightly against the wall, she gripped the molding like it was a life raft. Keeping the rising waters of pain and fear from pushing her inside. Desperately telling herself over and over that this was just what happens in childbirth. It’s not a pretty process. Dina is fine, she’s just-

Another yell, longer this time.

For a split second, Ellie’s eyes flew open as she jerked forward. Ready to whip around and get in there, make sure Dina was okay, that the baby was okay, that she wasn’t lying there in a pool of blood, bruised and bloody and beaten and-

A pair of strong hands grabbed her shoulders and pulled her down onto the ignored waiting room chair.

“You alright there, Ellie?”

Tommy. Maria must have gone and got him when she first saw Dina waddled frantically in here. Figuring he was the next best thing to Joel to keep Ellie grounded.

She wasn’t exactly wrong.

Ellie’s voice is raspy and strangled, “No.”

“I figured,” he grumbled, reaching into the bag slung over his shoulder and handing her a bottle of water, “Thought you could use some company in here. You ready to be a dad?”

“Implying that there’s a man and a woman in our relationship, huh?” Ellie forced a smile, “Real problematic, dude.”

“Where’d you learn a term like that?” Tommy scoffed, “Ain’t heard someone say that in thirty years…”

“Saw it in a note I found,” Ellie replied, “Then Joel told me what it meant. Sounded just like you when he did.”

“You need to stop shovin’ every note you find in your backpack, girlie.”

“I’d like to see you try and stop me, old man.”

Tommy shook his head, “If my brother couldn’t, I can’t. Hell don’t even think the girl hollarin’ in there could.”

Dina. Biting her lip, Ellie felt all her muscles clench again.

“She’ll be fine,” Tommy sat down next to Ellie, leaning in on his elbows, “S’the natural order of things. Besides, Dina’s one tough cookie. If she AND that baby ain’t been killed on an interstate revenge bender, they sure as hell aren’t gettin’ taken out in childbirth.”

Somehow that didn’t comfort Ellie at all.

Tommy knew he wasn’t built for this, silently griping at Maria for setting him up for this.

“You guys…” he stumbled, “Thought about names?”

“Dina wants to name the baby after Jesse,” Ellie nodded, “Which works considering Jesse is a gender neutral name. She said I could have the middle name and… well, I’m set on it being Joel.”

“What if it’s a girl?” Tommy asked.

“It’s a middle name, I don’t think it matters as much,” Ellie replied, “So either way we’re just gonna go with Joel.”

“I’m sure he’s smilin’ down from heaven, knowing that.”

“Never took you for a religious man, Tommy.”

He just shrugged at that, “I ain’t. But he was. So I’m just gonna hope he was right and is watching over us from heaven or whatever.”

Ellie got quiet for a second, until she realized the silence only made the noises from inside the room louder. Clenching her hands tightly to the cheap, blue plastic chair underneath her.

“Do you…” she reached for anything to talk about, “Really think any of us are going to make it into heaven? Or whatever?”

Tommy didn’t answer and he didn’t need to.

Their awkward, somewhat depressing interaction cut short by a new kind of screaming, more urgent and confused. Someone yet unused to the terrifying sensation of being alive.

Bursting to her feet, Ellie was up and inside the room before Tommy could even lift an arm to stop her.

Gently nudging past a few auxiliary nurses, Ellie made her way to the epicenter of the room. Ignoring the soiled room. Baptized in the gross of a newborn baby’s tumultuous tumble into the world.

Politely, the nurses and doctors began filing out as it became obvious that Dina’s condition was stable. Allowing the women a moment alone with their new baby.

It felt like walking through a dream, drifting towards Dina and the source of the crying.

Gripping the protective side barrier, Ellie gazed down at her salvation.

Looking simultaneously like she’d seen the face of god himself and like she’d been hit by a train, Dina looked dazed as she looked over towards Ellie’s awestruck face. The weakest smile she could muster, lifting up the squishy bundle of scream towards Ellie.

“Look what I made,” Dina’s laugh was airy, “Only took nine months. Hope you like it because I lost the receipt.”

Ellie’s laugh was quivering too as she reached down and brushed away a piece of downy hair. Making her own bad joke in return, “If you make something yourself you don’t get a receipt.”

“Shut uppp,” Dina rolled her head back, smiling, “Isn’t it enough that I’m forming coherent sentences?”

“More than enough,” Ellie experimentally grabbed the still-crying baby’s side, Dina allowing her to pick him up for the first time, There’s never going to be a time where I’m not happy to hear you making terrible, disjointed jokes that I can mock and roast with care.”

“Let’s see if you’re still saying that in a couple days when I wake you up with a bad pun about JJ needing a diaper change.”

“JJ? Makes sense, saying Jesse all the time might sting a bit,” Ellie watched the baby begin to settle a bit, realizing that perhaps the mere concept of existing wasn’t the worst thing. Looking up at her with soft, dark eyes. Trying to contemplate what this thing carrying him was.

“Oh great,” Dina cracked a smile, “You’re already the baby’s favorite.”

“Just can’t help it, everyone loves me.”

“That’s sure as hell right,” Dina reached out, weakly brushing a hand against Ellie’s thigh before collapsing again, “Oh my god this is literally the most tired I’ve been in my life and I have done… so much exhausting stuff.”

“I mean, you just shoved an entire human out of your body,” Ellie cautiously sat on the edge of the bed, “But how long are you gonna lay there in the gunk?”

“Augh, as long as I want…” Dina turned her head, resting against the pillow as she looked over at JJ looking up at Ellie with that still adoring look, “Man, all that work and you’re the one he’s smiling at.”

“I can hold him back, think he’d stare like this at literally anyone holding him at this point.”

“I dunno, I heard Tommy out there. Don’t think JJ’d smile at him.”

Ellie laughed, “Yeah but that’s because I’m like, ninety percent sure Tommy’s never held a baby. Don’t think he ever even held… a baby.”

Dina placed a hand over Ellie’s, “Joel’s daughter?”

“Yeah,” Ellie conceded, changing the subject and gently poking at the squidgy baby, “Man, these things come out real smushed.”

“How else was it gonna fit out?”

For a while Ellie just stared down at him, a smile slowly creeping across her face.

“What stupid thing are you thinking?”

Ellie tilted JJ towards Dina, “ Dude, he looks exactly like a sweet potato.”

“Oh my god, give him back, don’t call our baby a sweet potato,” Dina tugging weakly at Ellie’s arm.

Ellie obliged that request, letting the pile of mush slide back into Dina’s arms, “I mean, legally, I’ve gotta call him Potato forever now, right?”

Shielding the baby from her, Dina sighed, “Ellie, I’m exhausted.”

That only made Ellie smile wider.

“Hi exhausted, I’m dad.”

The sheer power behind Dina’s groan at Ellie’s very first dad joke sent a couple nurses toddling back in, concerned.


	3. Jackson Waiting

Jesse’s parents are nice but right now, Ellie would give anything for them to leave.

It wasn’t their fault. Which only made Ellie’s annoyance at them double back into guilt.

Every fiber of her being was currently dedicated to acting like a human being. A weird facsimile of what she should be feeling. Fake smile on her face felt like a suffocating mask but as plastic as it felt to her, it was doing the trick.

Only Dina could tell and Ellie knew it. Cautious peeks from her to the beaming grandparents and back again.

But they didn’t catch on.

Jesse had always looked just like his dad. Back before all this Ellie had thought that was kind of cute, like a genetic copy paste. Now it was just painful and left her feeling like she was looking through a mirror to a future that would never exist.

Her friend was dead and he’s never get the grey peeking at the temples, crow’s feet wrinkling at the edges of his eyes when he smiles, white flecking his goatee…

Buried beneath a tree in a park, far away, the only changes Jesse would ever experience is the slow rot as his body decays. Spreading out from the holes in his head, blood festering in-

Jerking her head to Jesse’s mom, Ellie buried those thoughts with him.

His mom was so much easier. Couldn’t look less like him. Round faced with wide, bright brown eyes. Almost golden. Thick, straight black hair hung heavy until it was grasped in a tiny hand.

Would JJ look like Jesse?

Ellie both wanted that and didn’t. It was the only way she’d ever see her friend again but she didn’t know how much it would sting or how long.

Whatever everyone had been talking about was filtered out of Ellie’s brain until she was directly addressed by the father, “What do you say, Ellie?”

“What?” her confused tone betrayed that she hadn’t been paying attention.

His mom laughed, jostling the baby Ellie had been intensely staring at, “Now, I know JJ is cute as a button but we have other matters at hand.”

“Sorry, I’m just…” Ellie didn’t have any excuses, “A little out of it today.”

Dina’s hand on her back was both a comfort and an urge for her to wrangle her wandering mind, “They were just… trying to convince us to go back to Jackson.”

The edge of her voice said she wasn’t exactly happy about that suggestion and wanted backup. Ellie thanking whatever being above that the two of them have a bond unspoken enough to communicate that need without words.

Leaning forward on her elbows, Ellie shook her head, “I’m sorry, we just… this is a new life. A chance to start over without being constantly reminded of the past. This farm is a treasure and it’s not like we won’t come visit Jackson as often as we can.”

Jesse’s dad chimed in this time, “We’re just thinking it’d be better for Jesse Jr-”

“JJ,” Ellie corrected.

He didn’t like that but retained his composure, “We’re just thinking it’s better if JJ can go to school with the other kids.”

“I mean, that’s a little down the road,” Ellie nodded, “And Jackson’s only a little down the road too. It’s what they did in the olden days, right? Drive him to school. Via horse.”

“It just seems like a lot of work for the two of you and the trip could be…” Jesse’s mom chose her words carefully, “Perilous. The bandits and the clickers and…”

Your enemies, silently tacked on. Her whole body stuffed to the point of bursting seams with the unsaid accusations. Jesse’s mom knew her son’s killer was still walking around free. Knew that whatever Ellie’d done had left an ugly scar over that woman’s life.

And was worried that she’d come back and take the last little piece of Jesse left in this world.

As the woman clutched the grandchild closer to her chest, Ellie felt the same worry. For just a split second.

Remembering those last moments, remembering the way that Abby had spared them. The boy, the little kid behind her calling her back. Who was the boy? Surely he couldn’t be Abby’s son. She’s too young and he’s too old. Little brother? Different races, maybe adopted.

Was it just a situation like her and Jo-

She shook her head, Jesse’s parents both staring at her like she was crazy.

Was she crazy? She might be crazy.

Dina took back over, hand on Ellie’s shoulder, “It’ll be fine, we promise. I’m sure it’s scarier from the outside but we’ve got all that ugly business behind us. There’s nothing left but our happy ending.”

They looked skeptical of it but Jesse’s mom handed JJ back as Dina reached out. Words and actions both reluctant as she stood up, “Well... if you ever change your mind… I’m sure Jackson’d be glad to have you back.”

Both Ellie and Dina were a lot less certain of that.

Seeing them out the door, Ellie released a breath she didn’t even know she was holding. Back slamming against the wall, Ellie slid down with a sigh, “Oh my god, please tell me they’re not gonna be here a lot.”

“Like once a week,” Dina patted JJ’s back, “Nobody can get enough of this little guy. Can’t blame them.”

Rubbing her eyes roughly, Ellie shrugged it off with a joke, “You just had to give birth to the world’s cutest and most lovable baby ever, didn’t you?”

“Saddled with the responsibility of being the best from birth,” Dina gently rolled one of JJ’s tiny little hands into a ball, giving him the gentlest fist bump.

Taking JJ herself, Ellie started walking towards the door herself, “I’m feeling a little suffocated, one a scale of one to ten how much would you hate me if I just took the little guy outside for some air?”

“Like a six, can you live with that?” Dina smirked, “Of course you’d leave me with this big mess.”

“I’ll clean up the next three nights and cook one,” Ellie offered.

“You’ll clean three nights and then pick up something special from Jackson one of them because you’re a terrible cook.”

“Deal.”

\- - -

In the cold chill of the air outside, Ellie leaned against the outside of the house and watched Jesse’s parents disappear into the distance. Holding JJ tightly to ground her to this moment. A hand carefully pressed against his chest to feel his little heart beat in time with the rhythm of his body.

Safe, warmth, alive.

He doesn’t even disturb as Ellie’s hands begin to tremble, clutching JJ against her like somehow her thin body could be a shield against the unseen danger that always lurked inside her mind.

Closing her eyes she tried to shut the proverbial door banging in the storm in her mind.

Jesse’s parents didn’t mean to kick the latch off it but Ellie felt herself spiralling nonetheless. Feeling like they were right that being out here was just a death sentence, that they were vulnerable.

Bad things happened outside right? Dina’s unconscious body bruised on the floor, Tommy lying mere feet away with his head splayed open, Jesse face down in a blood of his own blood, Joel’s remains festering but facing away, flies spiralling up from his body, around the enclosed baby’s crib, blood flowing over the edges of the bassinet, Ellie being dragged towards it against her will, struggling, fighting, not wanting to get close enough to see what was inside.

A hand grabbed her from the abyss and dragged her back.

She looked at Dina’s hand, dumb and dazed.

“You okay out here?” Dina asked, “Saw you through the window and you looked, uh, statuey.”

Rubbing on her shoulder, Ellie started coming to life, “Yeah just… uh. Started thinking about what Jesse’s parents were saying.”

“Do YOU want to move back?” Dina asked, “I mean, the farm is my dream but if my dream is your nightmare… well, I’d rather wake up.”

“No, no, this farm is heaven,” Ellie shook her head, “I just… feel like I don’t deserve to be in heaven. Feel like something bad’s coming. And as much as I know I deserve it, you two don’t.”

“Don’t you dare even begin to think about leaving me now,” Dina slid the arm around her shoulders, “Because you leaving is one of the worst things I can think of. Me and JJ need you.”

Both were quiet for a long time, Ellie raising a hand to rest it on Dina’s forearm.

“You’re not…” Dina chose her words carefully, “Thinking about trying to find her again, are you?”

Ellie was but that was nothing new. She always was.

But not in particular right now so she told a white lie, “No, just… always thinking about what if she comes for me?”

“I don’t think she will,” Dina grabbed her shoulder, starting to lead her inside, “I think you two left each other scarred enough. It’s over. Come to bed.”

Ellie let herself be led inside but nothing felt close to over.


	4. Spinning Her Wheels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that we're done! A short little fic but all caught up to where it loops back into canon.

The gas station was drowning in the sound of the lumbering beast’s slow death and it was pulling Ellie deeper and deeper under.

Ellie's always been a merciful hunter. Brutal and effective. She didn’t like leaving an animal suffering needlessly and usually had the killer aim to ensure they wouldn’t suffer. But things were different now.

Her hands shook and looking down the shaft of the arrow made it look like she was hunting during an earthquake.

The arrow was embedded deep in the boar but much lower than it should be. Jutting out like an ugly reminder of her failures from its side, right over where its heart would reside. Neatly wedged between two ribs. That accuracy lost on it not being stabbed deep into its skull.

As she’d chased it, Ellie’d felt the darkness begin to close in around her. Clawing at her back as she ran, gripping her arms tightly against her side, trying to claw their way up to cover her eyes and plunge her to the ground.

But she’d just followed the screams. That’s what she does now, right? Chase down what’s already dead to stab it to the bitter end.

So why couldn’t she do it now?

Why was Ellie just sitting there in a puddle of boar blood, sinking further and further into her own mind? Clothes becoming stained dark red as she slid down against the wall. Staring at the dying pig like it was a dark omen for her to unravel.

Squeals sounding more and more like screams as it grew more and more desperate. Its hooves scraping against the worn tiles of the gas station futilely, coordination off.

Lying on its side, looking up at her fearfully.

Tanned skin tinted red by blood, thick black gashes carved into his face from the blunt edge of the golf club, cheeks cracked open like a broken pot like he didn’t even life and breathe just moments ago, dark streaks pouring from him as his own body wept for its destruction, cut to piece like an old ragdoll, lying there forgotten, head caved in from where she-

Ellie burst to her feet only to slam to the ground again as she slipped on the slick, bloodied ground. Feeling two blossoms of thick bruises coil around her knees. Don’t care have to go, have to leave.

Again she got up and made it this time, slamming out of the gas station and running towards the edges of the forest, dark and screaming for her to get out of there it’s your fault it’s her fault get out get out get out get out get out get out get out get out GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

\- - -

When Ellie came back to herself she was lying on the floor of the farmhouse, Dina over her and trying to wake her up.

She could see Dina’s mouth moving but the adrenaline was pounding way too hard in her ears to hear what she was saying. Each beat slowing down enough that it began to crack through. Whispers growing louder and louder until the world was booming.

Dina was, predictably, babbling near nonsense as she tried to get Ellie back up. Her placations and worries drowned out by the sound of JJ crying his little lungs out.

That was more effective than anything Dina was saying.

Ellie took the offered hand that helped pull her up, clinging to Dina like a life raft as the dried blood flaked off on her shirt. Stumbling to the table before Dina could stop her, trying to comfort the baby, “Oh shi- oh shoot, JJ, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, don’t cry, shhh, shhhh.”

Firm hands grabbed her and pulled her back before she could reach him. Leaving Ellie standing there as she comforted the baby herself, leaving her feeling like a weird third wheel. The tired baby’s eyes starting to blink slower and slower until he was soothed enough to go back to sleep.

Sleeping. Ellie wondered how long she’d run, had she gotten turned around? It was pitch black outside.

Dina trying to settle her into a chair and force herself to calm down too. Even forcing a joke, “Maybe don’t touch a baby with dried blood all over your hands. What the hell happened Ellie?”

Ellie looked down at her shaking hands, stained red, “I… how did I… get back here…”

“Well, you came bursting through the front door so aggressively that I was a split second from knocking you out with a frying pan because I thought you were an intruder,” Dina replied, “Then you made it about halfway through the living room before passing out on the carpet.”

Turning her head, Ellie saw the bloodstained footprints erratically marking her path.

“Ellie… I don’t think… well I don’t know. Were you attacked? When I saw all the blood I thought the worst and looked for a wound but there wasn’t anything…”

“No, I was just…” Ellie swallowed heavily, realizing exactly how stupid the reality would sound, “I was… hunting a boar. I shot it but I missed and it was running away from me, bleeding out. I followed it, got it cornered and then…”

The screaming in her mind told her to shut up and lock away those thoughts and feelings.

“And then what?” Dina pushed on the proverbial locked door.

“It was just…” Ellie cracked it open, “It was squealing and screaming and bleeding out and I…”

Just sat there. Just stared at it.

I let him die.

Ellie dropped onto one of the chairs hard enough to make it creak. Staring into space as it was preferable to looking into Dina’s eyes, wide and dark and disappointed. Normally beautiful but right now feeling like a black hole that’d suck Ellie in.

Even the soft hand over hers wasn’t enough to make Ellie give in, Dina’s voice soft despite the quiet undertow of frustration, “Ellie, I think you should talk to someone.”

“Don’t want to.”

The frustration mounted, “I know you don’t want to but you know Jackson’s got a few therapists. They’ve been training for like ten years, they’re used to helping people through their grie-”

“Don’t want to.”

Dina’s hand tightened over hers for a second until the woman heaved a heavy sigh, “I know it’s about Joel.”

Hearing his name made that horrible rushing come back, the only thing holding Ellie in place was Dina’s hand sliding up her arm to grip it tighter. Sensing before it even came into Ellie’s head that she wanted to run.

“I can’t…” Ellie’s throat was closing rapidly, “Talk about…”

“I know,” Dina’s voice constricted as well, “Because you don’t talk to JJ about it.”

Ellie looked back towards the baby dozing lightly on the table. Less than a foot away but feeling like he was on another planet.

“You talk to JJ about everything,” Dina reached and grabbed one of his little feet gently, “You tell him about Jesse. Tommy and Maria. About you when you were a little girl. You even tell him about Riley. But you haven’t said one, single thing to him about Joel.”

“It’s just… it’s too fresh,” Ellie replied, “I’ll tell him all about Joel when I’m ready.”

“What if it doesn’t stop being fresh?”

“I just keep running it over and over in my head,” Ellie pressed a hand hard into the side of her temple, “Joel’s death… fighting Abby… I couldn’t even kill her and she.. She almost killed you. And worst of all she’s still out there. Just… living. She’s alive and Joel’s not and I couldn’t stop either of those things.”

“Ellie, you need to drop it,” Dina rubbed at her shoulder, feeling the scars underneath her shirt, “The cruel reality is things don’t work out like they’re supposed to. Sometimes things are just unfair and they’re going to stay unfair, forever. This can’t just stay in the forefront of your mind forever. Something has to happen with it eventually.”

“Then we’ll… I’ll deal with that when the time comes.”

“How do we deal with this now?” Dina flicked her hand up and down, “Because right now? This isn’t okay. You’re not okay. And I’m worried about, Ellie. I love you. I think about… what could have happened if you didn’t make it home? What if… in your blind panic you ran into something?”

Cracking a smile, Ellie quipped, “What if I ran into something? Hit my head on a stop sign and die like that? Catch a picture of my skeleton in a history book, section on ‘most ironic deaths.’”

“Stoooop,” Dina forced down a laugh, socking her on the arm, “I’m serious.”

“I’ll… I’ll figure out a way to deal with it but you’re just going to have to trust me,” Ellie replied, starting to get up, “I have to go back out soon… we still need meat…”

“Look, that’s gonna be a problem for later Ellie and Dina, okay?” Dina hooked one arm around Ellie and one around the arm of JJ’s carrier, “We’re going to get you clean and into bed first. This… this was a lot.”

With no more to say, Dina led her to the bathroom.

\- - -

It had been a struggle to get running water all the way out here but right now it was feeling so incredibly worth it.

Leaning back into the water, Ellie groaned at the feeling of Dina’s fingers digging into her dirty hair. Eyes closed so she wouldn’t think too hard about how much blood must be seeping into the water.

For a solitary second, she even let herself believe that the world was normal. That she wasn’t going to open her eyes to a dead world. That she’d towel off and put her clothes on before going over to Joel’s, Dina hand-in-hand with her. They’d have dinner. Joel’d barbeque, he was always bad at it but she’d say it was good.

“Do you ever think about what our lives would be like if none of this ever happened?” Ellie opened her eyes, looking over at Dina with expectant eyes.

“What if Joel was never-”

“No, if like,” Ellie half raised an arm before letting it collapse back into the water, “ALL of this. The world. What if there were no infected? What if we’d grown up in a normal world? Do you think we’d still have met each other?”

“Well,” Dina rested her elbows on her legs, “Maybe? I dunno, I get the feeling I’d be pretty into my synagogue that would actually exist. Where would we even have met?”

“I dunno, like, high school?” Ellie offered, “I’d be the jock star of the football team and you’d be a cheerleader.”

Dina cackled loudly, “Really? You think either of us would fit those roles? Bullshit. You’d be the weird, moody girl who plays Wonderwall all alone in the back corner of the cafeteria. I’d be the braceface geek who’s the first one to talk to you. I’d tutor you in math and you’d tutor me in love.”

“That was soooo corny.”

“What, like your football/cheerleader thing wasn’t corny?”

Ellie nodded, ”Touche. But sometimes I like to think of that.”

Dina took a chance, “I wish Joel could have at least met JJ. He wasn’t great with kids but you’d always catch him smiling at babies that he passed. Think you changed that for him, in the end. Tommy always talked like that at least.”

For a long moment, Ellie grew quiet. Sinking back down into the tub a while as Dina worried if she toed the line a little too much.

But she hadn’t, Ellie finally speaking in a too-small voice.

“I miss him, Dina.”

“I know you do.”

\- - -

Ellie tried to put that night out of her mind as she went out hunting again. Let the quiet, stillness of the forest seep into her brain to try and take up some space. Push out the dark thoughts that pooled in it constantly.

She hated that she was still so busted.

She hated that everything circled in her mind constantly.

She hated that she couldn’t just give it up already

It wasn’t long before she was able to snag a rabbit. While that wasn’t a lot it’d be enough for now, they had more than enough vegetables and grains to make up for it.

As Ellie reached that field of grain, looking towards the house with the unknown horse tied up outside.

Walking up the stairs, Dina greeted her with a hug and a, “Hey, where you been?”

“Hunting,” Ellie replied, giving her a squeeze, “Took a little longer than I thought. Who’s here?”

Dina hesitated, giving Ellie a nervous look.

“Uh, just come inside.”


End file.
